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Irqle awoke before the fireplace, his hand was scratching, and when he looked down he saw that his hand was in fact a fork made of edible plastic. He took a bite out of it and chewed as he took a look around the room. It was an old victorian era study, with books all around the walls, the only door in the room was proven to be locked after thorough inspection from Irqle. There was a skylight in the ceiling, and the moonlight of the night shone on particular book on a small stool. Irqle approached it and read the title, 'Legends of the Ambient Vorpal Badger'. Irqle opened it and noted the strange book had no writing on it's pages, it did however contain a small ribbon to use as a bookmark, it was of unexpected length, several times his own length. Irqle had an idea, he threw the book up through the skylight, the book landed with a thud on the roof, he tested the ribbons strength, it seemed to hold. He proceeded to climb the ribbon.
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Continue the story please, please put non-story comments in gray format.  
 
then he died from shame of being in a stupid stroy

T E H E N D






RLY 
 
Speeds, you are a meanie, please do not ruin the story. Everyone please ignore speeds and his bad part of this most excellent story. 
So Much For That 
I kind of liked the sudden ending. Nothing else, just the ending. 
Well 
You could keep on going, with the guy coming back from the dead and devouring peoples brains... 
 
:( No one is any fun :(  
Voodoochopstiks 
If I cared I would write you the most wonderful story ever with unicorns and angels and rainbows and witches lol yes witches boo omg 
How About... 
...we don't, but we can still pretend we did. 
*ahem* 
Ambient Vorpal Badger

Goddamnit voo, you stole that from me - you should at least give me credit

>:{ 
I'm Sorry Kinn. 
I was planning to once the story picked up. czg, please write me that terribly scary story 
 
As Irqle finally reached the edge of the skylight, he hauled himself, exhausted because he was a terrible man, onto the roof and lay there gasping for air while appreciating the smile from the moon.
As he lay there he noticed a brilliant white light shining behind him, and then an angel came flying over him. Irqle followed the angel with his eyes, gasping at its masterful control of the cool night air. Mesmerized he lay as he watched the angel remove its robe and start to urinate on him. The angel's piss splashed and slooshed all over him, warm and with a delicious, tangy aroma, some of it went into his mouth and it tasted like white wine. Eventually, the angel finished up and continued on it's flight to the moon. Irqle was sad that the golden rain had stopped and decided to get up, because the piss was cooling off and making him cold. As he stood there on the roof of the mansion, he noticed a large smokestack off to his left, bellowing dark gray clouds of soot and bright yellow sparks from it's top.

Thinking it might be a good source of heat for drying off the angelpiss, he decided to go over there and have a look. He was making his way across the mushy leaves that lay piled up on the rooftop, when he noticed something moving near the smokestack. It was a unicorn! The magnificent beast looked at Irqle with dark, lustful eyes. Irqle reached out to touch the muzzle of the unicorn, and it sniffed at his tangy fingers. The unicorn licked them. It slobbered all over Irqle's fingers and hands, the tongue cleaning his cuticles, sucking, gently pulling on the fingers. The unicorn grunted slightly and moved a bit closer, sucking up Irqle's entire hand, tongue poking and prodding all over his palm, the man could not stand it for much longer, his eyes began rolling backward in their sockets, and then he slipped and fell off the roof.

He woke up in a bush of fragrant raspberries, and could hear the unicorn on the roof, whinnying and trotting around, lusting for more fingers. He was wondering if he could get back on to the roof of the mansion somehow, when he felt a dull prodding against his sides. Irqle quickly got out of the bush and turned to face a woman dressed in a brown sack loosly tied around her waist, her hideous, spongelike breasts flapping about in the wind, her hair the texture of dried grass and her legs hairy and disfigured. She glared at Irqle, smiling slightly, and with a quick, determined pull, removed the sack covering her nether regions.
Her gaping gash rumbled maliciously and before Irqle had a change to shield his eyes, a rainbow shot out of the witch's vagina and struck Irqle full force in the face.
Irqle's world was now solely a world of colors. Rapidly shifting, now red, now yellow, and then indigo again, it was a nauseating feeling to say the least. He was not sure he could take much more of it before going insane, when he suddenly heard a shrill screaming and the assault of gay colors subsided. Irqle could see the witch before him melting into a pool of soggy mammaries, eyeballs and cuntflaps, appearing to be covered in ... piss? His eyes quickly scanned the sky, and sure enough, another angel was zipping up his fly a dozen feet or so above. Irqle waved a silent salute to the angel who calmly ignored him and flew off before he decided he needed one more taste of heaven and got down on all fours where the witch was still melting in the golden fluids.

About an hour or so had passed when he got up, and looked around. A warm light shimmered between some trees in the distance, surely a nearby town or village. He decided to head over there and see if there was any chance of getting a night's rest, because the mansion behind him had been all rainbowed away, sadly the unicorn too.
He started walking briskly, and whistled a cheerful tune, a single thought stuck in his head all the way: 'Does my bum look big in this?' 
Czg 
stfu 
Czg 
stfu 
Czg 
stfu 
Czg 
stfu 
Vonbler 
stfu 
Vonbler 
stfu 
. . . 
Irqle continued walking until he saw the limestone oven up ahead, it furnace heat bleaching the sky red red. Staying on the edge of the lit penumbra he watched the scene unfold. A gaunt figure was watching his oven intently as a burning imp climbed from within.

Then the ground ripped asunder and Irqle fell into the void. It went on for eternity, but it was not a fall; there was no wind, no air, and barely any light, just a feeble glow beneith him. He looked down but now the light seemed to be behind him - or behind his head? His eyes? He tried to right himself to face downwards but there was no atmosphere on which to brace himself against. Without outside stimulus his mind retreated into itself and he ceased to exist in this plane, his body consumed itself along with its soul.

Pure thought existed for Irqle. We move through timebackwards he thought, that is the reason we can see the past but not the future. When we turn and face the future we forget what has made us who we are and see only ethereal shadows. And heaven is below us.

With these realisation he awoke and looked down at the ashtray in the mansion, where he had been all along. The magic wierdroot cigarette had burnt out and his head cleared. He walked to the window and saw the clear dawn. He turned and looked at her asleep in the bed, a small frown on her face; dreaming. There was a noise behind him, from the window.

He turned and saw - 
. . . 
Irqle continued walking until he saw the limestone oven up ahead, it furnace heat bleaching the sky red red. Staying on the edge of the lit penumbra he watched the scene unfold. A gaunt figure was watching his oven intently as a burning imp climbed from within.

Then the ground ripped asunder and Irqle fell into the void. It went on for eternity, but it was not a fall; there was no wind, no air, and barely any light, just a feeble glow beneith him. He looked down but now the light seemed to be behind him - or behind his head? His eyes? He tried to right himself to face downwards but there was no atmosphere on which to brace himself against. Without outside stimulus his mind retreated into itself and he ceased to exist in this plane, his body consumed itself along with its soul.

Pure thought existed for Irqle. We move through timebackwards he thought, that is the reason we can see the past but not the future. When we turn and face the future we forget what has made us who we are and see only ethereal shadows. And heaven is below us.

With these realisation he awoke and looked down at the ashtray in the mansion, where he had been all along. The magic wierdroot cigarette had burnt out and his head cleared. He walked to the window and saw the clear dawn. He turned and looked at her asleep in the bed, a small frown on her face; dreaming. There was a noise behind him, from the window.

He turned and saw - 
Sorry 
 
 
Oh way to go completely undoing my fantastic urine saga with an 'it was just a dream!!' plot twist! 
Heheh 
and as he turned to look out the window he lost control of his bladder 
 
He turned and saw a fire hydrant. No doubt there were more of the things nearby, waiting in the pre-dawn light before the square blue sun commenced its usual singing fall into the sky.

He sighed, fretting about the lawn and wishing she wasn't so soft-hearted about feeding the damn things. Why, just yesterday he'd had to chivvy one back outside when it tried to follow her in!

His gaze then fell on the shoebox. Oh, yeah, Linus's universe. He should really call in on the Gumbridges, hand over their boy's prized possession, ask if he'd been found yet. And suggest they find a more suitable container for a cosmos. Sure, the kid had worked with what he had, but Irqle was sure that if a Type III civilisation emerged, it wouldn't be impressed to learn its home was labelled "Przyltyk Fazzgler (red/grey), size 5" and held together with sellotape. 
Ijed 
I want you banned, right now. I don't like that you ruin everything for me, czg and fatcontroller. 
In Which Irqle Relives A Significant Event From His Past 
Irqle peered into the endless night that peered back at him with heavy portent. The wind chilled his bones into a cold, stone-like chillyness. It was a night that reminded him of that night, many years ago, when he aquired the memory he is about to relive, at least in his mind...

The young Irqle looked up at the candy shop owner. "Please sir, may I have a candy?" Before the candy shop owner could crush his hopes and dreams with the hope-crushing and dream-flattening facts of a free-market economy (for the kingdom back then was still economically free,) a thunderous boom collided with the storefront, shattering every pane of glass in the shop, which luckily were made of carmelized sugar as the glassmaker's guild had been on strike since the Sixth year of the Wolf.

The shopkeeper exclaimed, "By Krondor! What was that?" exclaimed the shopkeeper. 
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